After I put Cameron to bed I fell asleep on the couch and sometime later Rebecca helped me to bed. In the middle of the night I woke up and shook her asking this question, "WHO ATE THE COOKIES?" "YOU DID," she answered. Being angry at myself I stormed to the bathroom and asked her the question again and she gave me the same answer. Sobbing uncontrollably I stared at myself in the mirror and thought to myself, "YOURE A PIECE OF TRASH." For the first time reality had set in: MY SON WAS BEGINING TO NOTICE WHO I WAS AND IT WAS GOING TO AFFECT HIM. I WAS IN THE PROCESS OF RUINING NOT JUST MY LIFE BUT MY SONS AS WELL. "LORD PLEASE CHANGE ME", I cried out. I didn't exactly have real communication with God. Infact that night was the first time I ever cried out to him. I had grown up going to church and knew who God is but I didn't know him. What I did know about God was enough to recognize that I was not living the way I was suppose to be. The next morning Kevin Nash called me as he had done the night before because he was concerned about how I sounded. "ARE YOU STILL TAKING PILLS," he asked. "EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE," I answered. There was time when I would take 30-35 pills a day mostly muscle relaxers, to help deal with the pain I had experienced from 15 years of wrestling. I was only taking pills on weekends now and by comparison that seemed like a major accomplishment. But to Nash told me it was still way too much if it happened in front of my family. "YOU HAVE A WIFE AND KID NOW YOU CANT BE DOING THIS ANYMORE," Nash replied The conversation played through my mind the rest of the day the next morning I promised Rebecca again that I was going to stop using drugs for good. She didn't really believe me for she had heard it many times before.
It was when Rebecca was first expecting Cameron was when I had first sworn that I would stop with the drugs and alcohol. I had told myself," YOURE GOING TO HAVE A CHILD YOU HAVE TO PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER." But I didn't. I honestly don't believe that I was an addict I could have stopped taking pills or getting drunk anytime but I didn't want too. I had made a deal with myself that I would stop when our child was born. But I still didn't stop when the time came because I thought to myself, "HES JUST A BABY! HE ISNT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING." I began to believe it was acceptable if I reduced my drug use to only weekends. But I was still doing them and after that night on the couch I began to realize I had come to the point when my son was aware of what was happening whenever I got tired.
Not long before we were married Rebecca had asked me if I believed in JESUS and I had answered her with, "YES IM CATHOLIC." NOWADAYS SHE BELIEVES THAT WHAT SHE SHOULD HAVE ASKED WAS "DID I ACTUALLY KNOW JESUS." AT THAT TIME I DIDNT
Growing up I had a mindset that if I did good things and not bad I would be in good shape spiritually as well as physically. I was an obedient kid so whenever my parents would go to church on Sunday mornings or attend mass I would always go with them. I was an altar boy, I did my confessions and my communions I also went to Catholic School up till the fifth grade. Now I know I was only doing them because my folks were doing it. There was never any severe consideration of a relationship with God I thought doing the sacraments was what made you a Christian. Never in the church, at the school, or at home did I hear that to be saved I had to receive Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I had heard of becoming BORN AGAIN but I didn't know what it meant. I never opened a Bible and read where Jesus clearly said YOU MUST BE BORN AGAIN TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD. I was In mass every sunday I was doing everything I was suppose to inside and outside the church. I was getting into less trouble than all of my siblings. SO AS FAR AS I KNEW I WAS GOOD. I strikes me that even though I had grown up in the church without being aware of what it truly was all those years later it became a magnet drawing me back to where I needed to be. Church became like a fire extinguisher in a hotel lobby:" IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS." Im not saying faith is only an emergency option Its much more than that. But I recognized that my life had reached an emergency status. MY SITUATION CALLED FOR BREAKING THAT GLASS. We started going back to my catholic church but Rebecca didn't like it and thought we need to find another church. SHE SUGGESTED CORNERSTON CHURCH.
It wasn't far from our house and Rebecca had seen the pastor, JOHN HAGEE, on television before. I wasn't excited about going to a TV church but it gave me credit for being a supportive husband. SO WE WENT TO CORNERSTONE. After the service I told Rebecca to scratch the church off our list and we went back to my catholic church the next week. AGAIN REBECCA WASNT HAPPY THERE SO WE KEPT LOOKING. Looking for new church, reading the Bible that Rebecca had given me and some other books on fatherhood motivated me to only take pills on Friday nights. Though I still hadn't quit yet but I believed I was taking determined steps in the right direction. One day in April 2002, I was driving around with Cameron in his car seat without realizing where I was, I pulled to a stop in the Cornerstone Church parking lot. "WHAT ARE WE DOING DADDY," Cameron asked. "I DONT KNOW SON. WERE JUST SITTING HERE," I answered. After I finished a phone call I finished my errands and returned home. Rebecca had started taking part in a Bible study which I was fine with despite my shortcomings, because I loved Rebecca more than anyone and I wanted to be a supportive husband. I started to notice the differences in Rebecca, especially how at peace she seemed. Even though she had always said that she loved me and she backed that up consistently, even though I was hard to live with. She didn't start overlooking my taking pills and passing out on the couch; instead it seemed like she had gained a renewed belief in me that I could change and she wouldn't be the one to make it happen. When I told her about parking in the parking lot of Cornerstone for no reason and after what I had seen happen in her life I also needed to find a Bible study that I could belong too. The next day I returned to Cornerstone asked the lady at the front desk at the church office that I was looking for a Bible study. I was to learn later that one of the pastors had heard me from his office and knew who I was. He had thought this was some kind of wrestling story for television. Another pastor did come out of his office and introduced himself as Keith Parker. Then he invited me to his Bible study. He gave me the address and told me to be there at 7:30 the next night.
When I arrived a little before it started Keith asked me if I was a Christian. "NO BUT I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC." I answered. "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN BORN AGAIN?" he asked " NO I WAS BORN JUST THIS ONE TIME THAT I KNOW OF," I answered " WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR LORD AND PERSONAL SAVIOR?" Keith asked. I answered him that I would. He then asked me if I knew the sinners prayer. I went through all the Catholic prayers I knew in my head and that one didn't cross my mind. THEN KEITH LEAD ME IN THAT PRAYER AND I WEPT LIKE A BABY. I COULD FEEL WHAT IVE HEARD OTHER DESCRIBE ABOUT WHEN THEY KNOW THEYVE BEEN SAVED. MY BURDENS WERE FALLING OFF AND MY CHAINS WERE BREAKING. UP TO THAT POINT I HAD BEEN FEELING MANY CHANGES TAKING PLACE WITHIN ME. BUT STILL I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE MISSING AND I DESPERATELY NEEDED IT BUT COULDNT FIGURE OUT WHAT IT WAS.AFTER SAYING THAT PRAYER I KNEW THAT WHAT HAD BEEN MISSING WAS SALVATION. A FEW WEEKS LATER I WAS BAPTIZED AS A PUBLIC PROCLOMATION THAT I HAD INDEED ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST AS MY LORD AND SAVIOR. I CAME OUT OF THAT WATER FEELING VERY DIFFERENT ON THE INSIDE. IT WAS A HUMBLING PROCESS FOR ME TO GO THROUGH THIS IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE AND I BELIEVE GOD HONORED MY OBDIENCE TO HIM. IVE WONDERED WHETHER BEING A PUBLIC FIGURE HAD KEPT ME FROM BEING HUMBLE ENOUGH TO TAKE SOME OF THE OBEDIENT STEPS I HAD BEEN NEEDING TO TAKE FOR MANY YEARS.
After the Bible study I drove home quickly for I couldn't wait to tell Rebecca what had happened. "OH MY GOODNESS, ITS JESUS I MADE HIM MY LORD AND SAVIOR!" I told her as I walked through the doors. With a big smile Rebecca stated that she knew all along that it was Jesus that I need in my life. But I needed to find it myself and She hadnt wanted to push me into it either. Im thankful that I had a wife who was praying for me. Throughout the entire time leading up to that night Rebecca never nagged me. But she hadn't given up on me either despite the circumstances. She had every right to nag me into changing my ways but she didn't. Instead she showed me love and let the transformation in her life be an example, and more importantly she faithfully and persistently prayed for me. I WILL FOREVR BE GRATEFUL FOR REBECCA.
CHAPTER 13: FREEDOM IN FORGIVNESS: I choke when I think about how deep the forgiveness from God is and has been given to me. I was a sinner born into sin and I became someone I know I shouldn't have become. I was raised in a good loving family ALL OF WHOM KNOW THE LORD NOW and I was taught right from wrong. It all started as having fun, like all sin, and before I knew it I was in so deep that I couldn't remember how I got there or how to get out. The truth is I didn't really recognize as sinful. In my mind it was just my life and I wasn't hurting anybody else. Of course I was wrong but that's what I believed. I knew I was hurting myself but since I didn't like myself I didn't care. My wife, parents, family, friends they were also being hurt by what I was doing. I just didn't recognize it. When youre living in a life of sin youre unaware of whats happening around you. They need something to wake them up and mine came that Friday night on the couch when Cameron crawled up on me and said, "DADDYS TIRED." THAT WAS WHEN I REALIZED I WAS NOT JUST HURTING MYSELF BUT I WAS HURTING OTHERS AS WELL. Sometimes I hear that some people reject God because theyre afraid of what they would have to give up. WHEN I REMEMBER MY LIFE BACK THEN WHY WOULD I NOT WANT TO GIVE UP THAT DEATH DEALING WAY OF LIFE FOR THIS NEW LIFE IM LIVING NOW. The freedom that God can provide brings the most liberating feeling a person can experience. MY FREEDOM ALMOST COST ME MY LIFE. I COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE WRESTLERS WHO HAD OVERDOSED IN A LONELY HOTEL. I NEVER APPRECIATED LIFE UNTIL I ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST AS MY LORD AND SAVIOR. I HAD NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT THE KEY TO LIVING A LIFE OF FREEDOM IS TO GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM OF LIVING LIFE YOUR OWN WAY. IVE GIVEN UP SOME OF MY RIGHTS IN THINKING I CAN GO OUT AND DO WHATEVER I WANT. IT TAKES HUMILITY TO SERVE A HOLY GOD AND CHOOSING TO BE OBEDIENT WITHOUT FEELING LIKE YOURE A KID. YOURE REWARDED BY THE FREEDOM OF KNOWING THAT THE GUILT AND SHAME OF WHAT YOU USE TO BE IS GONE. ITS FREEDOM TO REMEMBER THAT NOTHING CAN SEPERATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD. ITS NOT A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE CARD BUT THE FORGIVENESS THAT GOD GIVES MAKES YOU AWARE THAT YOU CANT KEEP LIVING YOUR LIFE THIS WAY. THIS FORGIVENESS CAN ALSO TRANSFORM YOU SO THAT YOU DONT KEEP DOING WHAT YOU DID BEFORE. ETERNITY IS GOING TO BE GREAT AND I LOOK FORWARD TO IT EVERYDAY. BUT CHRISTIANS ALSO FACE PROBLEMS EVERYDAY IN THE HERE AND NOW. WE DO HAVE OUR DIFFICULT TIMES AND WE DO GET HURT. IT PAINS ME TO THINK ABOUT KIDS GETTING CRUELY BEATEN DOWN NONSTOP ALL THE TIME JUST BECAUSE THEYRE SAVED. IVE BEEN THERE TOO AND IVE MADE IT THROUGH BY RELYING ON KNOWING WHO I AM IN CHRIST AND KNOWING WHO HE HAS MADE ME TO BE. Sometimes to help us grow in our faith God choses to be silent for a short time even though to us it may not seem like a short time. When God is silent that doesn't mean he isn't there. He is with us every step of the way making a closer relationship with us by us learning to put our trust completely in him AND I MEAN COMPLETELY. Trials, tribulations and tests are only for a season. They never have the final say. Not even death has the final say. Im not afraid to die but I don't want to die yet. I love being with my wife and I enjoy watching my kids grow. BUT WHEN I DO DIE I KNOW WHERE ILL BE SPENDING ETERNITY When I returned to wrestling I was a changed man with a new way of thinking and I went into a world where Jesus was on the bottom of the list of thoughts. I never walked through the curtain on the way to the ring without first praying to God and asking him what I could do to glorify him. As a way of shining my light in the darkness I would also pray in the arena or the stadium. I didn't have a standard prayer but it was often based on,"LORD HELP ME." ALL I WANTED WAS FOR GOD TO HELP ME BE A GOOD WITNESS ON THE PLATFORM WHICH HE HAD ALLOWED ME TO RETURN TOO. WHEN I ENTERED THE LOCKER ROOM THERE WAS NO ARROGANT DECLARATIONS OR CHALLENGES WHICH IS WHAT I USE TO DO.INSTEAD I WANTED THE OTHER GUYS TO SEE A HUMBLE MAN WHOS CHANGED LIFE BOLDLY DECLARED, "FOLLOW CHRIST!" Compared to whats most important in life wrestling looks so silly to me. YET GOD TOOK THIS WRETCH OF A MAN, GIFTED BUT BEATEN, FORGAVE ME OF MY SINS, BROUGHT ME BACK TO WRESTLING AND LIFTED ME HIGHER THAN I THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE. ALL GLORY IS GODS!
Very happy to read this and thank God for you. God bless you
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