Celebrity Testimony 8 Ben Carson (Gifted Hands Neurosurgeon)

Ben Carson Gifted Hands: Chapter 3 Eight Years Old: I had my first religious experience when I was 8 years old. A natural born storyteller, Pastor Ford told of a missionary doctor and his wife being chased by robbers in a far off country. At last gasping with exhaustion the couple stopped short at a cliff. They were trapped. Suddenly, right at the edge of the cliff, they saw a small break in the rock just big enough for them to crawl into and hide. When the robbers reached the end of the cliff seconds later they couldn't find the doctor and his wife. They had just vanished. After screaming and cursing the robbers left. As I listened the picture became so vivid that I felt as if I were being chased. I visualized myself being pursued. My breath became shallow with panic and fear and desperation of that couple. When the bandits finally left I sighed with relief of being safe. Pastor Ford looked over the congregation, "The couple were sheltered and protected," he told us. "They were hidden in the cleft of the rock and God protected them from harm." The sermon over we began to sing the "appeal song" That morning the pastor had selected "He Hides My Soul in the Cleft of the Rock" he built his appeal around the missionary story and explained our need to flee to "the cleft of the rock" to safety that can only be found in Jesus Christ. "If we place our faith in the Lord," he said with a gaze sweeping across the faces of the congregation, "we'll always be safe. Safe in Jesus Christ." As I listened my imagination pictured how wonderfully God had taken care of those people who wanted to serve him. Through my imagination and emotions I lived that story with the couple, and I thought,"Thats exactly what I should do get sheltered in the cleft of the rock." Although I was only eight my decision seemed perfectly natural. Other kids my age were getting baptized and joining the church so when the message and music touched me emotionally, I responded. When Pastor Ford asked if anyone wanted to turn to Jesus Christ Curtis and I both went up to the front of the church. A few weeks later we were both baptized. I was basically a good kid and had never done anything particularly wrong, yet for the first time I knew I needed Gods help. During the next four years I tried to follow the teachings I received at church. That morning set another milestone for me. I decided I wanted to be a doctor, a missionary doctor. Each story of medical missionaries traveling through villages in Africa or India intrigued me. Reports came to us of the physical suffering the doctors relieved and how they helped people to lead happier and healthier lives. "That's what I want to do," I said to my mother as we walked home. "I want to be a doctor. Can I be a doctor, Mother?" "Bennie," she said, "listen to me." We stopped walking and mother stared into my eyes. The laying hands on my shoulders, she said, "If you ask the lord for something and believe he will do it, then it'll happen." "I believe I can be a doctor." "Then, Bennie, you will be a doctor," she said matter of-factly ,and we started to walk again. After mother's word of assurance, I never doubted what I wanted to do with my life. Ben Carson(Gifted Hands Neurosurgeon) Chapter5 A Boys Big Problem: When I was 12 and more mature I realized that although Id been emotionally touched when I was 8 and had been baptized I hadn't understood exactly what it meant to be a Christian. By the time I was 12 we had moved and were attending the Sharon Seventh day Adventist Church in Inkster. After days of thinking about the matter I spoke with Pastor Smith," Although Ive been baptized," I said, "I didn't really grasp the significance of what I was doing." "You do understand now?" "Oh yes Im 12 now," I said," and I believe in Jesus Christ. After all Jesus was 12 when his parents first took him to the temple in Jerusalem. So Id like to be baptized again because I understand and Im ready now." Pastor Smith listened sympathically and having no problem with my request he rebaptized me. Yet in looking back Im not sure when I actually turned to God. Or perhaps it happened so gradually that I had no awareness of the progression. I do know when I was 14 I finally understood how God can change us. Ben Carson(Gifted Hands Neurosurgeon) Chapter 6 A Terrible Temper: I'd dreamed of being a doctor since I was 8 but how could I fulfill the dream with such a terrible temper? When angry I went out of control and had no idea how to stop. Id never make anything of myself if I didn't control my temper. If only I could do something about the rage that burned inside me. I felt sick to my stomach disgusted with myself and ashamed. "Unless I get rid of this temper," I said aloud, "Im not going to make it. If Bob hadn't worn that big buckle hed be dead and Id be on my way to reform school or jail. Misery washed over me. I hated myself but I couldn't help myself so I hated myself even more. From somewhere deep inside my mind came a strong impression. Pray. My mother had taught me to pray. My teachers at the religious school in Boston often told us that God would help us if we'd only ask him. For weeks and months Id been trying to control my temper figuring I could handle it myself. Now in that small hot bathroom I knew that truth. I could not handle my temper alone I felt as though I could never face anyone again. How could I look my mother in the eye? How could I ever see Bob again? How could he help but hate me? How could he ever trust me again? "Lord," I whispered, "You have to take this temper from me. If you don't Ill never be free from it. Ill end up doing things a lot worse than trying to stab my friends." Tears streamed between my fingers. "Lord despite what all the experts tell me, you can change me. You can free me forever from this destructive personality trait." "You've promised that if someone will come to you and ask something in faith, that youll do it. I believe that you can change this in me." I couldn't go on hating myself forever for all the terrible things Id done. I sat down on the toilet sharp mental pictures filling my mind. I saw my anger, clenched my fists against my rage. I wouldn't be any good for everything if I couldn't change. My poor mother I thought. She believes in me. Not even she knows how bad I am. Misery engulfed me in darkness. "If you don't do this for me Lord, Ive got no place else to go." At one point I slipped out of the bathroom long enough to grab a Bible. I opened it and began to read in Proverbs. Immediately I saw a string of verses about angry people and how they get themselves into trouble. Proverbs 16:23 impressed me the most: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city." I felt as if the verses had been written for me. The words of Proverbs condemned me but they also gave me hope. After a while peace began to fill my mind. My hands stopped shaking. The tears stopped During those hours alone in the bathroom something happened to me. God heard my deep cries of anguish. A feeling of lightness flowed over me and I knew a change of heart had taken place. I felt different. I was different. I walked out of the bathroom a changed young man. "My temper will never control me again," I told myself. "Never again I am free." Since that day since those hours of wrestling with myself and crying to God for help I have never had a problem with my temper. That same afternoon I decided to read the Bible everyday. I keep the practice as a daily habit and especially enjoy the book of Proverbs. Even now whenever possible I pick up my Bible and read the first thing everyday. The miracle that took place was incredible when I stop to think about it. Some of my psychologically oriented friends insist that I still have the potential for anger. Maybe there right but it has been more than 20 years since that experience and I have never had another flare up or serious need to control my temper. God had helped me to conquer my terrible temper once and for all. During those hours in the bathroom I also came to realize that if people could make me angry they could also control me. Why should I give someone else such power over my life? Im no better than anyone else but I laugh inside about how foolish people can be trying to make me angry. They don't have any control over me And this is the reason. Since that terrible day my faith in God has been intensely personal and an important part of who I am. About that time I began to sing or hum a song that continues to be my favorite, "Jesus is All the World to Me." Whenever anything irritates me that hymn dissolves my negativity. Ive explained it this way to young people,"I have sunshine in my heart regardless of conditions around me." Im not afraid of anything as long as I think of Jesus Christ and my relationship to him and remember that the one who created the universe can do anything. I also have evidence- my own experience- that God can do anything because he changed me.

Celebrity Testimony 7 Kevin Sorbo True Strength(Hercules the Legendary Journeys)

Kevin Sorbo True Strength: Chapter 21 The Good News My good Christian parents raised me in the Lutheran Church and I am a believer. But Im also kind of ticked off at the Big Guy. I need someone to blame for what happened to me and God was in the wrong place at the right time. Going to his house was not really on my to-do list. Then again I reason I need all the help I can get. In the church my heart pounds along with the swelling music. Its energy courses through my body. There had been a time recently when I thrived on this kind of rush. Not any longer. My head starts throbbing. The song ends and Tommy opens with a short prayer and then starts gently strumming his guitar the chords settling on the reverent crowd like a cozy morning fog. I have a father He calls me his own He'll never leave me No matter where I go He knows my name He knows my every thought He sees each tear that falls An hears me when I call I lose my inner battle my tears fall silently on my lap. My father had whispered to me, "Don't let him crack your neck." Twice In heard that warning and had failed to act upon it. Why warn me? Why let it happen? Why,God why? My questions keep time with the music The song finishes and the pastor, Mark Pickerill, begins to speak. I like him immediately Im accustomed to the preacher in the pulpit throwing down warnings like lightening bolts, cautioning about Gods wrath. Mark is an entirely different kind of messenger with more enticing ideas about God along with a healthy sort of humor. I listen in interest as he describes a loving savior who seeks our hearts. Although my soul is heavy for the first time I feel validated in church

Kevin Sorbo True Strength Chapter 26: Breathe MY meditation carried me to Gods feet. This arrival wasn't so much a choice as a result of my mind walking a path that always lead to something greater than me. While I was growing up Pastor Nording shouted, down hellfire and eternal flames of misery on us sinners every Sunday. He was a scary guy for a little kid but I recognized manipulation when I saw it. Rather being frightened into submission I rejected his teachings and I rejected him. Even as a young boy I was able to differentiate between the church and the God who founded it. I remember asking my mom when I was 12 if God was really that mad at us-because I didn't really think so. If God could be so evil why serve him? He gave us free will. I thought that, if anything,God was probably sad a lot of the time sad for the destructive choices so many of his children make. I regard our pastor as a messenger who had somehow gotten his message confused. I trusted in a loving forgiving God. I knew God had tried to warn me about the head thing. I blamed myself for failing to understand failing to react in time. Before my illness I was fully preoccupied with the material side of life. Moving at the speed of light I ignored the spiritual side the unseen. God created this world but I was determined to live it to the fullest to get the most of it I figured he would want that. Lying on the couch with nothing but spare time I conversed with God and told him my problems. I asked his forgiveness for my stupidity for not listening for my stubbornness even for my wasted anger at people. I had worked so hard to get where I was yet I was not satisfied. Before this I always wanted more. Now I just wanted different I begged him for some understanding. Thanked him for not letting the strokes kill me and for still giving me a chance to still be a father. I asked him to make me whole again. But if this was the best I was going to ever feel then I asked God to make me strong enough to handle it stronger than I was now.

Kevin Sorbo True Strength Chapter 41: Freedom If I was just a puppy afraid of the rain maybe God was looking at for me after all My hurricane had hit a full year before and it was still raining a pretty hard in my life. I struggled everyday working limited hours. But compared to what I had already experienced, I had come a long way and my symptoms were simply the tempest a part of me I ought to accept. I needed help to do that. I rededicated myself to finding a way to God through prayer. I decided to start praying simply for faith, humility, and vision for things working out alright. I longed to hear his gentle voice again like a child yearns for his daddys reassurance on a dark night. I was stronger and feeling better for longer periods. Even my ability to handle strong feelings had improved. It was finally sinking in that I was dead yet. The depression was suddenly lifting as my brain healed lightening my outlook. Recognizing that I had proved the doctors wrong augmented my confidence. My perspective shifted I saw myself with a way out. It finally crystalized that the doctors words were not the gospel. I did not tell most of my friends all the details of my troubles. Partly because of the secrecy issue but all because sharing my frail side would be to difficult. Even my parents were far away physically and understandingly. I only had Sam(his wife) and God, but helps those who help themselves. Getting better was up just to me. I began to try to lead instead of beg and succumb. I wasn't going to give the strokes anything and I would take back what was rightfully mine. I finally figured out that the strokes had no real power. It was more about being happy than healing. I began using my grateful prayer again. I thanked for the warning that September day. Although I didn't listen I wondered if he could have done it simply to let me know he was there. Perhaps that was blessing enough. I thanked him for the gratifying workouts and the good night sleeps at night. I thanked him for saving my arm,my speech, and what I had left of my sight. I thanked him for Sam and Giz(her dog) who had entered my life at the right moment. And for the character of Hercules, who was saving my life. I had defined myself by my job so I thanked him that I still had one. And although I would never measure to Hercules strength I battled his stamina for my everyday battle just to live a normal life.

Kevin Sorbo True Strength Chapter 51: God had tapped me on the shoulder with an aneurysm that might have seemed like a small thing but it wasn't. It was an enormous, life changing fortunate event that continues to affect me and always will. My strange brush with death along with the battle for my health that ensued abruptly and profoundly transformed my world. In time a quiet strength gradually returned my symptoms slowly abated my tolerance grew and I became not simply renewed but actually reinvented. In spite of myself I eventually began to see beyond the losses and appreciate the rewards of this changed life. The act of suffering does not make you a victim only your point of view can do that. Even loss can enrich you.

Celebrity Testimony 6: Chuck Norris(Walker Texas Ranger)

Chuck Norris Against All Odds Chapter 5 Life Choices: The world famous evangelist Billy Graham was coming to town for a crusade, and mom wanted our family to attend The crusade was held at the LA Sports Arena and the place was packed an hour before the service was scheduled to begin. People had come from all parts in Southtern California to hear the straight shooting preacher I was excited to go to the crusade,simply because it was such an enormous event, but I didnt expect to experience anything of significance in my life as a result.. After all I had committed my life to Christ and had been baptised as a boy when our family attended Calvary Baptist Church. But this was different. This was pure power. I listened to the beautiful music as Cliff Barrows lead the mass choir and the deep voice of soloist George Beverly Shea and finally Billy Grahams powerful words;I felt a tugging on my heart strings. The famous preacher explained that Christ had died on the cross in my place, that it really should have been me being punnished by death for my sins. But Christ took my place. Now by believeing in him and believeing that Jesus died and rose again from the dead, I could be forgiven of my sins,and I could be saved forever I listend intenly being mesmerized by the words that were searing into my heart. When Billy Graham invited those in the Sports Arena who wanted to be forgiven of their sins and wanted to commit their lives to Jesus Christ I walked down to the front of the stage, I almost leapt to my feet. Had mom Wieland and Aaron not wanted to go with me, I might have run down to the front. Whether my response was an intellectual assent to the gospel or a recommitment to the faith Id embraced as child, I really cant say. All I know for sure is from that night on my life was in Gods hands. I believed as mom frequently reminded me"God has plans for me." I stood in the midst of about a thousand people as Mr Graham explained Gods plan of salvation. He then prayed a collective prayer for the large froup of seekers. A counselor gave me some literature that clarified my decision and gave me some basic tips on how to study the Bible. We prayed together and he encouraged me to go to church which I was alredy doing. It was a rather simple unemotional affair but a very real transaction between God and me took place at the arena that night. I committed myself to follow him no matter what and he committed himself to me as my Lord and Savior. Over the years I havent always held up my end of the bargain,but Im thankful to say he has never done it on his side.

Chuck Norris Against All Odds Chapter 27 Spiritual Surprises: Funny thing is for years I simply went about my business going through life, doing my own thing, almost unaware of Gods presence in my life or his workings in the lives of my frineds. Now that Ive traveled a few more miles in my spiritual journey, Im able to reconize the hand of God in ways I never knew before. Amazingly he has been there all the time working all around me. I just didnt know it. Sometimes Ive simply had to step back and say,"Whew! I didnt know that God could do such awesome things nowadays, but apparently he can."

Berry Gordy: A Svengali Manager

J Randy Taraberellis Michael Jackson Magic and Madness Chapter 2: Over the years the Motown artist began to think of eachother as family and many of the more naive ones still do today. To Berry Gordy each son daughter sister and brother was a corporate asset. He wanted the best for them-he would be protective of them and nuture their abilities-but mostly he wanted what was best for himself and possibly what was best for his real family, the Gordys. "It was a family thing at Motown alright," Melvin Franklin of the Temptations would say. "It was the Gordy family, and everything was for Berry and the Gordy family." The biggest criticism leveled at Berry Gordy-by outsiders at first and then later by the artists themselves- was aimed at the complete control he exercised over his dominion. Practically none of the artists had any idea how much money they had generated for the company and they were always discouraged from asking questions. Books written by members of the The Supremes and the Temptations have underscored the fact that most of the artists who recorded for Gordy in the 60s have made very little-if any money- for themselves. Motown management customarily lied to them about their sales figures, and many Motown artist still havent a clue as to how many records they really sold or how much money they should have had in their bank account. "I never saw a tax return until,1979," Diana Ross who signed with Gordy in 1960 has said " Berry was such a mentor and a strong personality, you found yourself relying on that.You didnt grow." Ross would leave Mowtown bitterly in 1981 with just a few hundred dollars to her name, after selling millions of records for Gordy and performing in nightclubs for twenty years. Though some of the fame starved youngsters recruited for Mowtown did become stars, the price od success was high. Some of the singers were jailed for drug abuse,tax evasion,and wife beating. Other suffered for emotional problems and alcholism.Many have illegitimate children they dont even know about,care about, or recognize. There would be tragice deaths as well: Florence Ballard, a former Supreme,died at the age of thirty-two from a heart attack after spending two heartbreaking years as a welfare recipient;Paul Williams, a former Temptaion who was $80,000 in debt, shot himself in the head at age thirty-four;Marvin Gaye fourty-four was murdered by his own father. Its as if something went wrong,very wrong, in their upbrining as members of the Motown "family." Most of the members have long since forgotten what Berry did for them and can only remember what he did to them. As the late Florence Ballard once said,"You hope you can leave it all behind and start over.But you cant. You cant just forget what should have been when your own family has done you wrong."

Celebrity Testimony 5: Natilie Cole (Daughter of Nat King Cole)

Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 10 Busted: We had just arrived in Toronto and I was settling into my room at the Lake Shore Boulevard Motel when there was a knock at the door. I opened it and it seemed like a platoon of Toronto police rushed in in both two legged and four legged. Between the uniformed officers the detectives and the German sheperds it got real crowded in there real fast. The cops started tearing the room up until they found what they were looking for. Eventually they unearthed a $25 bag of Heroin along with my hypodermic needles and various paraphanalia from my suitcase and I knew I was in deep trouble. I was put in handcuffs and taken to the police headquarters. The laws are deadly regarding drug possession in Canada. After I was booked fingerprinted and photographed they brought me into the interogation room shined a bright light in my face and kept asking me "Where are the kilos? We know you got some kilos." The captain or head detective really thought I was a big time pusher. Of course I couldnt tell them anything because I didnt know anything. I was kept in a holding tank until it was time to transfer me along with some other female prisoners to the womans prison: I think most of the others might have been hookers; they knew the names of the guards and what the drill was. Eventually we were all herded into a paddy wagon and taken to the womens prison. Here I am in a jail cell ,thats bad enough, and Im with some pretty hard looking women who are looking at me crazy too. Im terrified. Yet they knew I didnt belong there and that I had bitten off more than I could chew. They treated me kindly and were sweet to me in their way. We pulled up to the prison door which, I swear, looked like those massive doors with steal knockers that squeaked and groaned before they close with a resounding clang. We were all put in a waiting room. One by one they called the names of the other women in the group. Each one was given a set of jail clothes and told to hit the showers Finally a matron bellowed out "Cole" handed me a prison uniform and pointed towards the shower stalls. It was just like it happens in the movies, only worse,because it was real. As I headed to the showers I offered up another bargain to God. I said, "Lord if you get me out of this one, I will never do it again." So Im sitting on a cold steel bench outside the showers contemplating suicide and praying feverishly and crying like a baby. Just as I finnished removing my left boot, this woman called out, "Cole,you got visitors." God had delivered me. As it turned the guys in the band had gone to the owner of Adams Rib where we were about to open. We hadnt gotten paid yet but when they told him what had happend he was kind enough to give us advance and fired us. They came straight to the jail and got me out. I was a very thankful little girl! Eventually I had my arraignment before a juge and a very pissed off one at that. I believe that man took my getting arrest as a personal insult and thereby took it upon himself to chastise me like I was his daughter. I had been give a court appointed attorney and I expected the worst and deserved it.Even though he could have ended my career before it started he de cided to give me another chance and put me on probation in the province of Ontario. But to make sure I did not leave the country I had to sign in at the Toronto police station every Wednesday for the next couple of months. Well the good news was I wasnt headed for the slammer. I bad news was I wasnt headed back to Chicago anytime soon. I was stuck in Canada. When I was in Canada I had a dream. In it I was in hallway where I could hear footsteps. I was walking into a room where the windows were open. It was nightime and two angels came and lifted me up and carried me out over the city.When I told Aunt Janice about the dream she said," That was your father, coming to protect you." That was 25 years ago and I havent had a dream about my father since. But that doesnt bother me because hes inside me.I believe that I have his spirit with me always. There are time when I sense him as a presence, but I never see him; sometimes I wish I could. The time passed quickly enough and Aunt Janice left for Chicago before I did and the band left too. By the time I got to the end of my probation there was no one left but me and the van. Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 11 Expect a Miracle: The idea of driving alone from Toronto to Chicago,more than six hundred miles,was a big deal to me,and the van and I eyed each other warily as I got behind the wheel. The back of the van was full of amps and other band stuff, but very little else.By this time my entire wardrobe fit into a knapsack and a small suitcase. Its funny although I had been driving for ten years, Id never really driven this long distance by myself.As it turns out I was not alone. I had a very important passenger; it was the Lord. I could see him because God had given me spiritual eyes for the trip and it was the most memorable drive of my life. That was the best drive Id ever taken by myself- I was singing and humming all the way through Michigan. At one point there was a guy hitchhiking on the other side of the road. I pulled over only to tell him,"Sorry I cant pick you up. I already have a passenger." He looked at the empty seat and then looked at me like I was some looney tune as I drove away.I didnt care. I was completely and utterly happy and I was free at last- thank God almighty. Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 20 Jellinek: I had alot of ground to cover with my progress I had to deal with alot of problems I was having with my mother. I had to deal with the shame I had done to my fathers name. And then there was the closure that I had never really had after my father died or the grief I was unable to express after all these years. When a counselor said I was still grieveing for my Dad, I resented it bitterly. "What do you mean when you say I am still grieveing for my Dad?" I responded indignanatly. "H died almost 20 years ago!" As I said it I remembered with sharp pain that I had always felt that a piece of me had died on that day, too. As we talked I recalled how, as a child, I hungered for his infrequent visits home and for the warmth of his unconditional love. He was a powerful balance to my mothers well meaning but austere parental behavior.I treasured those memeories of baseball games and car rides and family evenings when hed smile at me and I just glowed. But the sudden tragedy of his death had cut it all off. I was an even more lonely girl when I was forced to return to Northfield and I suffered all my life with the deep lingering regret that I had never been able to say goodbye. Of course I was grieveing for him! I was finally able to admit it. And after I had admitted it to myself the emotional floodgates broke.I wept tears of grief about those childhood years of missing him at home,about being kept away from him when he was dying,and about the early death that never allowed me to tell him how much he meant to me. From the weeks of tears and long postponed confrontaions with grief at Jellinek a new insight emerged:By denying my grief and the trauma of my fathers death, I was blinded to the truth that dad was very much with me.His spirit his love of music-all were there inside me. I can hear his voice now-singing joking and talking. Evenmore powerfully, he had been there in my darkest hours, guiding me, protecting me, and forgiving me- an angel on my shoulder. Each of us was assigned a personal counselor. Mine was named Vicky. She was only 26.She had become an addict when she was 12, had gotten sober when she was 19,and then became a counselor.Id say to her,"This isnt going to work and youre to young to be telling me anything." But Vicky was wise beyound her years and she was good. She helped me to articulate my real feelings. The program at Hazelden is buit on the AA-twelve step program and we began to go to meetings daily. Im not going to pontificate on all twelve steps but the first and most important is "We acknoledge that our lives are have become unmanagable. We are out of control." Its really hard to acknowledge this,because it means you have to start looking at all the stuff youve done to yourself and others and that doesnt make you feel very good. Some people handle not feeling good by taking a walk or a nap or maybe they go and exercise like crazy. Other like myself need to feel better fast. Hence we look for a way out and the way I had chosen was self medication, consequently self destruction. It starts off very innocently but for those of us who have a natural addiction to things whether its to drugs, alchohol,sex, gambling,bad relationships whatever, we inevitably get into trouble. We dont know when to stop and after awhile we dont know how.I never intentionally tried to kill myself. I thought about it but I never tried to do it. Infact its about the only thing I didnt try. The second AA concept is that "We believe that only a power higher than ourselves can help us." AA does not promote religion, but it does promote the need for a spiritual perspective,not merely a physical one. In AA they say you come into the program emotionally, physically,financially, and spiritualy bankrupt, For many addicts the first thing they lose is spirituality, and in recovery it is the last thing they get back. I think the hardest step for me was the eighth one. I had to make a list of everyone I could remember who Id harmed with my drug problem. That was a long list I was surprised at how many people I could find that I had hurt. And then I was suppose to attempt to make amends with each and every one of them, knowing there was no guarantee they would forgive me. There is no guarantee they were even going to respond, but I still had to do it. I was really resistant and asked,"Cant we just take the list and pray over it?" I hated this step, because it forced me to feel humiliated all over again. But I had to do it I had to see this through. There were other parts of the process I didnt like very much. I had to keep a journal every night i hated seeing my thoughts on paper- it was so invasive- and I hated having my counselor look at them.However toward the end of winter I had a breakthrough. Vicky was excited and said," I think youre starting to learn about forgivness- begining with yourself." This is a crucial and powerful tool. Forgiving myself was painful, but once I started,I was able to do something that was also very important-I could start to forgive my mom. As I continued to write in my journal, my perspectives started to change. I needed to forgive her for not being there for me as a child, and for not being a more nurturing parent. I had never thought about forgiving my father for dying because I blamed everything on her. But Vicky helped me realize that I needed to focus some of that forgivness on him too, because many times he was not there for me either, but I had made excuses for him. Forgivness is one of the hardest virtues to attain. Its not part of our nature. It is not human to forgive. Its divine. It was kind of a conscious decision to be as music less as possible. I think in many ways I was more normal during that time than Id probably had ever been. I had grown up with so much music around me that I didnt really have to think. But when I made the decision to get sober, I was able to take advantage of an addictive characteristic, which is to go from one extreme to another. The first time I cried tears of joy at Hazelden was when I saw my son.I was just really really happy, about a month before I left Jellinek, they let him come visit me, and he taught me the meaning of unconditional love.I felt so guilty about what I had done; I had made such a mess of his life as well as my own. He didnt care he just wanted his mom. He came with Drue and we all stayed in a hotel together and went to lunch and dinner. He was so cute. We walked and I held his little hand and looked down into his beautiful face. One some level I had almost forgotten I was a parent. But I was a mom and there was never anything physicaly wrong with me-so what was I doing there? I was making progress and that was what counted. Toward the end of six months my counselors at Hazelden started getting ready to kick me out. They felt it was time for me to step back into the real world. All of a sudden six months didnt seem like long enough. Was I scared? You bet I had been given the tools to make it, and if I was willing to continue to "work the program" I could change and improve the quality of my life... or I could chuck it all and throw away six monthe right out the window, take my chances and probably end up dead. Leaving Hazelden was a bittersweet departure. Undoubtedly it helped to shape, or should I say reshape the woman I am today. To use the tired but true cliche it was both the best of times and the worse of times. When I left there thats how I felt. I graduated from Hazelden on May 16, 1984. When I had arrived six months earlier, it was like I was entering a frozen wasteland- everything looked and felt like Siberia, which was a good reflection of what was going on inside me. And now the timing for my departure could not have been more perfect. It was Spring the land was thawing and the flowers were starting to blossom everywhere. The world was full of color. The contrast was amazing. My own appearance had also changed drastically. My skin was glowing and my hair was growing out, but I was thirty pounds heavier. I hadnt been this heavy since I was pregnant with Robbie. But I could lose the fat. It was how I felt about myself that had changed, and I wasnt about to lose that. As I walked out the doors of Hazelden, hopefully for good,I carried my six month commemorative chip in my hand and a new word had been embedded in my heart-gratitude. It was the best thing I ever did. The best! Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 22 Be Careful What You Pray For: For most recovering addicts the last thing that you usually get back is your spirituality. In my case it was the first thing I got back, and it came back stronger than ever. Even though emotionally I was still pretty shaky, I learned to depend on God. No matter what else happend I was going to be okay. I was able to surrender(but this is a daily process). I began to read my Bible daily-thats where my strength is. The hardest thing for me is to not put so much hope in other people, because I have always been so trusting. This continues to be an issue I have to work on. Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 30 A Work In Progress: Ive spent my last few years trying to strengthen my relationship with God. What a surprise to see how I have gotten closer to who I am and who he wants me to be. I am quite happy seeing myself through Gods eyes. We all come to self-knowledge in different ways and different times.Sure I wish I could have been smarter when I was younger, then again, I know women my age and older who still havent figured this out. Can they be judged or criticized? No more than any body else. I may be the last person who can give any advice about anything but I am willing to share the little Ive learned and its an ongoing process. Sometimes its about choices. You can choose how you will use the world around you. But the trick is also how will you let the world use you. Where am I now in life? Well, I know that God knows best what I need-better than I ever could. But I have to stop fighting him. There is a saying that goes," Get out of Gods way and into Gods word...and dont block your blessing!" This is not to say that now Im doing everything right. Far from it. I still may not be what I ought to be, but thank the Lord, Im not what I use to be.

Tabloid Junkie

Nailie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 29 Heartbreak: Being a celebrity means both your triumphs and your failures are out there for all to see and judge.Eventhough we celebrities develop a tough skin on the outside were mush on the inside. We hurt and we bleed like everybody else. Its painful to have your life spread out infront of people who dont even know you; then they get to decide who you are by what someone else has written Chuck Norris Against All Odds Chapter 16 Close Calls: Donahues response revealed much about the television medium and himself, He looked at me without apology and said,"We'll get great ratings for this show, Chuck. Its controversial, so our ratings will go through the roof." Sadly thats the bottom line for many Donahue types in the news media as well as entertainment industry even to this day. Its not about truth, right,and wrong, or moral issues; its about ratings and money. Chuck Norris Against All Odds Chapter 22 Walker Texas Ranger: Peter than turned toward me and said,"And I would like to introduce Chuck Norris, who has the most violent program on television."\ That was my introduction I realized instantly that I had been set up, that Id walked into a trap again, similar to the one I had encountered withe Phil Donahue years earlier. Peter Jennings wasnt interested in how KICKSTART could help kids raise their self-esteem,get off drugs,get out of gangs, and start living productive lives. He obviously had an entirely different agenda from the one hed proposed to me in asking me on his show. I wasnt going to sit back and allow this statement to go unchallenged. I didnt know if it was my turn to talk or not, but I jumped right in."Id like to rebut that, Peter. If you ever watch the show, which I doubt that you do,youd see that Walker Texas Ranger deals with good versus evil. Walker is a family show, and if you went through our mail from veiwers, youd realize that families are sitting down together on Sunday night to watch this show and that Walker is one of the few programs on television that families can enjoy watching together." That set the tone for a virulent hour of discussion between Peter, the panel, and the audience. When Peter asked one woman on the bleachers her opinion concerning the violence on television she responded,"We know the difference between reality and the movies. If you dont then youre stupid." Peter didnt ask that woman any further questions. He really started to get hot as the discussion turned in a direction that he hadnt aniticipated. It got worse when he introduced a rap song with sleazy, violent lyrics, in a effort to illustrate the pernicious material being recorded by rappers. As the song played over the speakers the female rap artist just sat there staring straight ahead. When the song ended she looked up at Peter Jennings, and said,"Peter thats not me. Thats not even my song. Thats somebody elses." The production department had made a mistake;theyd literally gotten the wrong music from the wrong rap artist as an illustration. Peter Jennings was flabergasted. "What do you mean thats not you?" Thats not my music," the rapper repeated. I could see heads rolling in the ABC production department. I cant say I was sorry to see Peter Jennings so thoroughly discredited in front of his own audience. In a way it served him right for attempting to stack the deck to support his own prejudices, a procedure that is extremely common on most network programs and supposedly "unbiased documentaries" on television today. Thats one reason many conservative leaders refuse to engage in the programs: the utter bias of the host precludes a fair representaion of the issues.On the other hand thats also why programs that do make an honest attempt to present both sides of the issue are thriving. I felt no sense of glee over Peters embarrassment; I was too angry at him. I was thoroughly disgusted that I had allowed myself to be pulled away from my work and to be lured to washington on false pretenses. I had come to promote myself something good wonderful and wholesome, and we hadrly talked at all about KICKSTART and the ways it could help kids. I decided that from now on Id make my own publicity for KICKSTART,and when people realized the good that can be done in schools they would rally to our side