Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 10 Busted:
We had just arrived in Toronto and I was settling into my room at the Lake Shore Boulevard Motel when there was a knock at the door. I opened it and it seemed like a platoon of Toronto police rushed in in both two legged and four legged. Between the uniformed officers the detectives and the German sheperds it got real crowded in there real fast. The cops started tearing the room up until they found what they were looking for. Eventually they unearthed a $25 bag of Heroin along with my hypodermic needles and various paraphanalia from my suitcase and I knew I was in deep trouble.
I was put in handcuffs and taken to the police headquarters. The laws are deadly regarding drug possession in Canada. After I was booked fingerprinted and photographed they brought me into the interogation room shined a bright light in my face and kept asking me "Where are the kilos? We know you got some kilos." The captain or head detective really thought I was a big time pusher. Of course I couldnt tell them anything because I didnt know anything.
I was kept in a holding tank until it was time to transfer me along with some other female prisoners to the womans prison: I think most of the others might have been hookers; they knew the names of the guards and what the drill was. Eventually we were all herded into a paddy wagon and taken to the womens prison.
Here I am in a jail cell ,thats bad enough, and Im with some pretty hard looking women who are looking at me crazy too. Im terrified. Yet they knew I didnt belong there and that I had bitten off more than I could chew. They treated me kindly and were sweet to me in their way.
We pulled up to the prison door which, I swear, looked like those massive doors with steal knockers that squeaked and groaned before they close with a resounding clang. We were all put in a waiting room. One by one they called the names of the other women in the group. Each one was given a set of jail clothes and told to hit the showers Finally a matron bellowed out "Cole" handed me a prison uniform and pointed towards the shower stalls. It was just like it happens in the movies, only worse,because it was real. As I headed to the showers I offered up another bargain to God. I said, "Lord if you get me out of this one, I will never do it again."
So Im sitting on a cold steel bench outside the showers contemplating suicide and praying feverishly and crying like a baby. Just as I finnished removing my left boot, this woman called out, "Cole,you got visitors."
God had delivered me. As it turned the guys in the band had gone to the owner of Adams Rib where we were about to open. We hadnt gotten paid yet but when they told him what had happend he was kind enough to give us advance and fired us. They came straight to the jail and got me out. I was a very thankful little girl!
Eventually I had my arraignment before a juge and a very pissed off one at that. I believe that man took my getting arrest as a personal insult and thereby took it upon himself to chastise me like I was his daughter. I had been give a court appointed attorney and I expected the worst and deserved it.Even though he could have ended my career before it started he de cided to give me another chance and put me on probation in the province of Ontario. But to make sure I did not leave the country I had to sign in at the Toronto police station every Wednesday for the next couple of months.
Well the good news was I wasnt headed for the slammer. I bad news was I wasnt headed back to Chicago anytime soon. I was stuck in Canada.
When I was in Canada I had a dream. In it I was in hallway where I could hear footsteps. I was walking into a room where the windows were open. It was nightime and two angels came and lifted me up and carried me out over the city.When I told Aunt Janice about the dream she said," That was your father, coming to protect you." That was 25 years ago and I havent had a dream about my father since. But that doesnt bother me because hes inside me.I believe that I have his spirit with me always. There are time when I sense him as a presence, but I never see him; sometimes I wish I could.
The time passed quickly enough and Aunt Janice left for Chicago before I did and the band left too. By the time I got to the end of my probation there was no one left but me and the van.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 11 Expect a Miracle:
The idea of driving alone from Toronto to Chicago,more than six hundred miles,was a big deal to me,and the van and I eyed each other warily as I got behind the wheel. The back of the van was full of amps and other band stuff, but very little else.By this time my entire wardrobe fit into a knapsack and a small suitcase. Its funny although I had been driving for ten years, Id never really driven this long distance by myself.As it turns out I was not alone. I had a very important passenger; it was the Lord. I could see him because God had given me spiritual eyes for the trip and it was the most memorable drive of my life.
That was the best drive Id ever taken by myself- I was singing and humming all the way through Michigan. At one point there was a guy hitchhiking on the other side of the road. I pulled over only to tell him,"Sorry I cant pick you up. I already have a passenger." He looked at the empty seat and then looked at me like I was some looney tune as I drove away.I didnt care. I was completely and utterly happy and I was free at last- thank God almighty.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 20 Jellinek:
I had alot of ground to cover with my progress I had to deal with alot of problems I was having with my mother. I had to deal with the shame I had done to my fathers name. And then there was the closure that I had never really had after my father died or the grief I was unable to express after all these years. When a counselor said I was still grieveing for my Dad, I resented it bitterly.
"What do you mean when you say I am still grieveing for my Dad?" I responded indignanatly. "H died almost 20 years ago!" As I said it I remembered with sharp pain that I had always felt that a piece of me had died on that day, too. As we talked I recalled how, as a child, I hungered for his infrequent visits home and for the warmth of his unconditional love. He was a powerful balance to my mothers well meaning but austere parental behavior.I treasured those memeories of baseball games and car rides and family evenings when hed smile at me and I just glowed. But the sudden tragedy of his death had cut it all off. I was an even more lonely girl when I was forced to return to Northfield and I suffered all my life with the deep lingering regret that I had never been able to say goodbye.
Of course I was grieveing for him! I was finally able to admit it. And after I had admitted it to myself the emotional floodgates broke.I wept tears of grief about those childhood years of missing him at home,about being kept away from him when he was dying,and about the early death that never allowed me to tell him how much he meant to me.
From the weeks of tears and long postponed confrontaions with grief at Jellinek a new insight emerged:By denying my grief and the trauma of my fathers death, I was blinded to the truth that dad was very much with me.His spirit his love of music-all were there inside me. I can hear his voice now-singing joking and talking. Evenmore powerfully, he had been there in my darkest hours, guiding me, protecting me, and forgiving me- an angel on my shoulder.
Each of us was assigned a personal counselor. Mine was named Vicky. She was only 26.She had become an addict when she was 12, had gotten sober when she was 19,and then became a counselor.Id say to her,"This isnt going to work and youre to young to be telling me anything." But Vicky was wise beyound her years and she was good. She helped me to articulate my real feelings.
The program at Hazelden is buit on the AA-twelve step program and we began to go to meetings daily. Im not going to pontificate on all twelve steps but the first and most important is "We acknoledge that our lives are have become unmanagable. We are out of control." Its really hard to acknowledge this,because it means you have to start looking at all the stuff youve done to yourself and others and that doesnt make you feel very good. Some people handle not feeling good by taking a walk or a nap or maybe they go and exercise like crazy. Other like myself need to feel better fast. Hence we look for a way out and the way I had chosen was self medication, consequently self destruction. It starts off very innocently but for those of us who have a natural addiction to things whether its to drugs, alchohol,sex, gambling,bad relationships whatever, we inevitably get into trouble. We dont know when to stop and after awhile we dont know how.I never intentionally tried to kill myself. I thought about it but I never tried to do it. Infact its about the only thing I didnt try.
The second AA concept is that "We believe that only a power higher than ourselves can help us." AA does not promote religion, but it does promote the need for a spiritual perspective,not merely a physical one. In AA they say you come into the program emotionally, physically,financially, and spiritualy bankrupt, For many addicts the first thing they lose is spirituality, and in recovery it is the last thing they get back.
I think the hardest step for me was the eighth one. I had to make a list of everyone I could remember who Id harmed with my drug problem. That was a long list I was surprised at how many people I could find that I had hurt. And then I was suppose to attempt to make amends with each and every one of them, knowing there was no guarantee they would forgive me. There is no guarantee they were even going to respond, but I still had to do it. I was really resistant and asked,"Cant we just take the list and pray over it?" I hated this step, because it forced me to feel humiliated all over again. But I had to do it I had to see this through.
There were other parts of the process I didnt like very much. I had to keep a journal every night i hated seeing my thoughts on paper- it was so invasive- and I hated having my counselor look at them.However toward the end of winter I had a breakthrough. Vicky was excited and said," I think youre starting to learn about forgivness- begining with yourself."
This is a crucial and powerful tool. Forgiving myself was painful, but once I started,I was able to do something that was also very important-I could start to forgive my mom. As I continued to write in my journal, my perspectives started to change. I needed to forgive her for not being there for me as a child, and for not being a more nurturing parent. I had never thought about forgiving my father for dying because I blamed everything on her. But Vicky helped me realize that I needed to focus some of that forgivness on him too, because many times he was not there for me either, but I had made excuses for him. Forgivness is one of the hardest virtues to attain. Its not part of our nature. It is not human to forgive. Its divine.
It was kind of a conscious decision to be as music less as possible. I think in many ways I was more normal during that time than Id probably had ever been. I had grown up with so much music around me that I didnt really have to think. But when I made the decision to get sober, I was able to take advantage of an addictive characteristic, which is to go from one extreme to another.
The first time I cried tears of joy at Hazelden was when I saw my son.I was just really really happy, about a month before I left Jellinek, they let him come visit me, and he taught me the meaning of unconditional love.I felt so guilty about what I had done; I had made such a mess of his life as well as my own. He didnt care he just wanted his mom. He came with Drue and we all stayed in a hotel together and went to lunch and dinner. He was so cute. We walked and I held his little hand and looked down into his beautiful face. One some level I had almost forgotten I was a parent. But I was a mom and there was never anything physicaly wrong with me-so what was I doing there? I was making progress and that was what counted.
Toward the end of six months my counselors at Hazelden started getting ready to kick me out. They felt it was time for me to step back into the real world. All of a sudden six months didnt seem like long enough. Was I scared? You bet I had been given the tools to make it, and if I was willing to continue to "work the program" I could change and improve the quality of my life... or I could chuck it all and throw away six monthe right out the window, take my chances and probably end up dead.
Leaving Hazelden was a bittersweet departure. Undoubtedly it helped to shape, or should I say reshape the woman I am today. To use the tired but true cliche it was both the best of times and the worse of times. When I left there thats how I felt.
I graduated from Hazelden on May 16, 1984. When I had arrived six months earlier, it was like I was entering a frozen wasteland- everything looked and felt like Siberia, which was a good reflection of what was going on inside me. And now the timing for my departure could not have been more perfect. It was Spring the land was thawing and the flowers were starting to blossom everywhere. The world was full of color. The contrast was amazing. My own appearance had also changed drastically. My skin was glowing and my hair was growing out, but I was thirty pounds heavier. I hadnt been this heavy since I was pregnant with Robbie. But I could lose the fat. It was how I felt about myself that had changed, and I wasnt about to lose that.
As I walked out the doors of Hazelden, hopefully for good,I carried my six month commemorative chip in my hand and a new word had been embedded in my heart-gratitude. It was the best thing I ever did. The best!
Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 22 Be Careful What You Pray For:
For most recovering addicts the last thing that you usually get back is your spirituality. In my case it was the first thing I got back, and it came back stronger than ever. Even though emotionally I was still pretty shaky, I learned to depend on God. No matter what else happend I was going to be okay. I was able to surrender(but this is a daily process). I began to read my Bible daily-thats where my strength is. The hardest thing for me is to not put so much hope in other people, because I have always been so trusting. This continues to be an issue I have to work on.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 30 A Work In Progress:
Ive spent my last few years trying to strengthen my relationship with God. What a surprise to see how I have gotten closer to who I am and who he wants me to be. I am quite happy seeing myself through Gods eyes.
We all come to self-knowledge in different ways and different times.Sure I wish I could have been smarter when I was younger, then again, I know women my age and older who still havent figured this out. Can they be judged or criticized? No more than any body else. I may be the last person who can give any advice about anything but I am willing to share the little Ive learned and its an ongoing process.
Sometimes its about choices. You can choose how you will use the world around you. But the trick is also how will you let the world use you.
Where am I now in life? Well, I know that God knows best what I need-better than I ever could. But I have to stop fighting him. There is a saying that goes," Get out of Gods way and into Gods word...and dont block your blessing!" This is not to say that now Im doing everything right. Far from it. I still may not be what I ought to be, but thank the Lord, Im not what I use to be.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Celebrity Testimony 5: Natilie Cole (Daughter of Nat King Cole)
Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 10 Busted:
We had just arrived in Toronto and I was settling into my room at the Lake Shore Boulevard Motel when there was a knock at the door. I opened it and it seemed like a platoon of Toronto police rushed in in both two legged and four legged. Between the uniformed officers the detectives and the German sheperds it got real crowded in there real fast. The cops started tearing the room up until they found what they were looking for. Eventually they unearthed a $25 bag of Heroin along with my hypodermic needles and various paraphanalia from my suitcase and I knew I was in deep trouble.
I was put in handcuffs and taken to the police headquarters. The laws are deadly regarding drug possession in Canada. After I was booked fingerprinted and photographed they brought me into the interogation room shined a bright light in my face and kept asking me "Where are the kilos? We know you got some kilos." The captain or head detective really thought I was a big time pusher. Of course I couldnt tell them anything because I didnt know anything.
I was kept in a holding tank until it was time to transfer me along with some other female prisoners to the womans prison: I think most of the others might have been hookers; they knew the names of the guards and what the drill was. Eventually we were all herded into a paddy wagon and taken to the womens prison.
Here I am in a jail cell ,thats bad enough, and Im with some pretty hard looking women who are looking at me crazy too. Im terrified. Yet they knew I didnt belong there and that I had bitten off more than I could chew. They treated me kindly and were sweet to me in their way.
We pulled up to the prison door which, I swear, looked like those massive doors with steal knockers that squeaked and groaned before they close with a resounding clang. We were all put in a waiting room. One by one they called the names of the other women in the group. Each one was given a set of jail clothes and told to hit the showers Finally a matron bellowed out "Cole" handed me a prison uniform and pointed towards the shower stalls. It was just like it happens in the movies, only worse,because it was real. As I headed to the showers I offered up another bargain to God. I said, "Lord if you get me out of this one, I will never do it again."
So Im sitting on a cold steel bench outside the showers contemplating suicide and praying feverishly and crying like a baby. Just as I finnished removing my left boot, this woman called out, "Cole,you got visitors."
God had delivered me. As it turned the guys in the band had gone to the owner of Adams Rib where we were about to open. We hadnt gotten paid yet but when they told him what had happend he was kind enough to give us advance and fired us. They came straight to the jail and got me out. I was a very thankful little girl!
Eventually I had my arraignment before a juge and a very pissed off one at that. I believe that man took my getting arrest as a personal insult and thereby took it upon himself to chastise me like I was his daughter. I had been give a court appointed attorney and I expected the worst and deserved it.Even though he could have ended my career before it started he de cided to give me another chance and put me on probation in the province of Ontario. But to make sure I did not leave the country I had to sign in at the Toronto police station every Wednesday for the next couple of months.
Well the good news was I wasnt headed for the slammer. I bad news was I wasnt headed back to Chicago anytime soon. I was stuck in Canada.
When I was in Canada I had a dream. In it I was in hallway where I could hear footsteps. I was walking into a room where the windows were open. It was nightime and two angels came and lifted me up and carried me out over the city.When I told Aunt Janice about the dream she said," That was your father, coming to protect you." That was 25 years ago and I havent had a dream about my father since. But that doesnt bother me because hes inside me.I believe that I have his spirit with me always. There are time when I sense him as a presence, but I never see him; sometimes I wish I could.
The time passed quickly enough and Aunt Janice left for Chicago before I did and the band left too. By the time I got to the end of my probation there was no one left but me and the van.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 11 Expect a Miracle:
The idea of driving alone from Toronto to Chicago,more than six hundred miles,was a big deal to me,and the van and I eyed each other warily as I got behind the wheel. The back of the van was full of amps and other band stuff, but very little else.By this time my entire wardrobe fit into a knapsack and a small suitcase. Its funny although I had been driving for ten years, Id never really driven this long distance by myself.As it turns out I was not alone. I had a very important passenger; it was the Lord. I could see him because God had given me spiritual eyes for the trip and it was the most memorable drive of my life.
That was the best drive Id ever taken by myself- I was singing and humming all the way through Michigan. At one point there was a guy hitchhiking on the other side of the road. I pulled over only to tell him,"Sorry I cant pick you up. I already have a passenger." He looked at the empty seat and then looked at me like I was some looney tune as I drove away.I didnt care. I was completely and utterly happy and I was free at last- thank God almighty.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Shoulder Chapter 20 Jellinek:
I had alot of ground to cover with my progress I had to deal with alot of problems I was having with my mother. I had to deal with the shame I had done to my fathers name. And then there was the closure that I had never really had after my father died or the grief I was unable to express after all these years. When a counselor said I was still grieveing for my Dad, I resented it bitterly.
"What do you mean when you say I am still grieveing for my Dad?" I responded indignanatly. "H died almost 20 years ago!" As I said it I remembered with sharp pain that I had always felt that a piece of me had died on that day, too. As we talked I recalled how, as a child, I hungered for his infrequent visits home and for the warmth of his unconditional love. He was a powerful balance to my mothers well meaning but austere parental behavior.I treasured those memeories of baseball games and car rides and family evenings when hed smile at me and I just glowed. But the sudden tragedy of his death had cut it all off. I was an even more lonely girl when I was forced to return to Northfield and I suffered all my life with the deep lingering regret that I had never been able to say goodbye.
Of course I was grieveing for him! I was finally able to admit it. And after I had admitted it to myself the emotional floodgates broke.I wept tears of grief about those childhood years of missing him at home,about being kept away from him when he was dying,and about the early death that never allowed me to tell him how much he meant to me.
From the weeks of tears and long postponed confrontaions with grief at Jellinek a new insight emerged:By denying my grief and the trauma of my fathers death, I was blinded to the truth that dad was very much with me.His spirit his love of music-all were there inside me. I can hear his voice now-singing joking and talking. Evenmore powerfully, he had been there in my darkest hours, guiding me, protecting me, and forgiving me- an angel on my shoulder.
Each of us was assigned a personal counselor. Mine was named Vicky. She was only 26.She had become an addict when she was 12, had gotten sober when she was 19,and then became a counselor.Id say to her,"This isnt going to work and youre to young to be telling me anything." But Vicky was wise beyound her years and she was good. She helped me to articulate my real feelings.
The program at Hazelden is buit on the AA-twelve step program and we began to go to meetings daily. Im not going to pontificate on all twelve steps but the first and most important is "We acknoledge that our lives are have become unmanagable. We are out of control." Its really hard to acknowledge this,because it means you have to start looking at all the stuff youve done to yourself and others and that doesnt make you feel very good. Some people handle not feeling good by taking a walk or a nap or maybe they go and exercise like crazy. Other like myself need to feel better fast. Hence we look for a way out and the way I had chosen was self medication, consequently self destruction. It starts off very innocently but for those of us who have a natural addiction to things whether its to drugs, alchohol,sex, gambling,bad relationships whatever, we inevitably get into trouble. We dont know when to stop and after awhile we dont know how.I never intentionally tried to kill myself. I thought about it but I never tried to do it. Infact its about the only thing I didnt try.
The second AA concept is that "We believe that only a power higher than ourselves can help us." AA does not promote religion, but it does promote the need for a spiritual perspective,not merely a physical one. In AA they say you come into the program emotionally, physically,financially, and spiritualy bankrupt, For many addicts the first thing they lose is spirituality, and in recovery it is the last thing they get back.
I think the hardest step for me was the eighth one. I had to make a list of everyone I could remember who Id harmed with my drug problem. That was a long list I was surprised at how many people I could find that I had hurt. And then I was suppose to attempt to make amends with each and every one of them, knowing there was no guarantee they would forgive me. There is no guarantee they were even going to respond, but I still had to do it. I was really resistant and asked,"Cant we just take the list and pray over it?" I hated this step, because it forced me to feel humiliated all over again. But I had to do it I had to see this through.
There were other parts of the process I didnt like very much. I had to keep a journal every night i hated seeing my thoughts on paper- it was so invasive- and I hated having my counselor look at them.However toward the end of winter I had a breakthrough. Vicky was excited and said," I think youre starting to learn about forgivness- begining with yourself."
This is a crucial and powerful tool. Forgiving myself was painful, but once I started,I was able to do something that was also very important-I could start to forgive my mom. As I continued to write in my journal, my perspectives started to change. I needed to forgive her for not being there for me as a child, and for not being a more nurturing parent. I had never thought about forgiving my father for dying because I blamed everything on her. But Vicky helped me realize that I needed to focus some of that forgivness on him too, because many times he was not there for me either, but I had made excuses for him. Forgivness is one of the hardest virtues to attain. Its not part of our nature. It is not human to forgive. Its divine.
It was kind of a conscious decision to be as music less as possible. I think in many ways I was more normal during that time than Id probably had ever been. I had grown up with so much music around me that I didnt really have to think. But when I made the decision to get sober, I was able to take advantage of an addictive characteristic, which is to go from one extreme to another.
The first time I cried tears of joy at Hazelden was when I saw my son.I was just really really happy, about a month before I left Jellinek, they let him come visit me, and he taught me the meaning of unconditional love.I felt so guilty about what I had done; I had made such a mess of his life as well as my own. He didnt care he just wanted his mom. He came with Drue and we all stayed in a hotel together and went to lunch and dinner. He was so cute. We walked and I held his little hand and looked down into his beautiful face. One some level I had almost forgotten I was a parent. But I was a mom and there was never anything physicaly wrong with me-so what was I doing there? I was making progress and that was what counted.
Toward the end of six months my counselors at Hazelden started getting ready to kick me out. They felt it was time for me to step back into the real world. All of a sudden six months didnt seem like long enough. Was I scared? You bet I had been given the tools to make it, and if I was willing to continue to "work the program" I could change and improve the quality of my life... or I could chuck it all and throw away six monthe right out the window, take my chances and probably end up dead.
Leaving Hazelden was a bittersweet departure. Undoubtedly it helped to shape, or should I say reshape the woman I am today. To use the tired but true cliche it was both the best of times and the worse of times. When I left there thats how I felt.
I graduated from Hazelden on May 16, 1984. When I had arrived six months earlier, it was like I was entering a frozen wasteland- everything looked and felt like Siberia, which was a good reflection of what was going on inside me. And now the timing for my departure could not have been more perfect. It was Spring the land was thawing and the flowers were starting to blossom everywhere. The world was full of color. The contrast was amazing. My own appearance had also changed drastically. My skin was glowing and my hair was growing out, but I was thirty pounds heavier. I hadnt been this heavy since I was pregnant with Robbie. But I could lose the fat. It was how I felt about myself that had changed, and I wasnt about to lose that.
As I walked out the doors of Hazelden, hopefully for good,I carried my six month commemorative chip in my hand and a new word had been embedded in my heart-gratitude. It was the best thing I ever did. The best!
Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 22 Be Careful What You Pray For:
For most recovering addicts the last thing that you usually get back is your spirituality. In my case it was the first thing I got back, and it came back stronger than ever. Even though emotionally I was still pretty shaky, I learned to depend on God. No matter what else happend I was going to be okay. I was able to surrender(but this is a daily process). I began to read my Bible daily-thats where my strength is. The hardest thing for me is to not put so much hope in other people, because I have always been so trusting. This continues to be an issue I have to work on.
Natilie Cole Angel On My Sholder Chapter 30 A Work In Progress:
Ive spent my last few years trying to strengthen my relationship with God. What a surprise to see how I have gotten closer to who I am and who he wants me to be. I am quite happy seeing myself through Gods eyes.
We all come to self-knowledge in different ways and different times.Sure I wish I could have been smarter when I was younger, then again, I know women my age and older who still havent figured this out. Can they be judged or criticized? No more than any body else. I may be the last person who can give any advice about anything but I am willing to share the little Ive learned and its an ongoing process.
Sometimes its about choices. You can choose how you will use the world around you. But the trick is also how will you let the world use you.
Where am I now in life? Well, I know that God knows best what I need-better than I ever could. But I have to stop fighting him. There is a saying that goes," Get out of Gods way and into Gods word...and dont block your blessing!" This is not to say that now Im doing everything right. Far from it. I still may not be what I ought to be, but thank the Lord, Im not what I use to be.
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