Ordinary Girl The Journey Chapter 12: The Connection
I had financially exceeded my childhood dreams. I had everything I needed except myself! I was what was missing in my life! I was stranded as an artist, isolated, emotionally and spiritually bereft, and prisoner to the most carnal of lifestyles.
The only thing I desired was to somehow find a way to reconnect with myself, to be able to reach back across the years to a time when it was only me getting on that stage and singing my heart out, when it was only about showing everyone I had a unique gift. I wanted to get back to that ordinary girl who'd sung that day in church. Where was she anyway? Perhaps this is a place all artist come to sooner or later.
The voice I kept hearing in my head was asking the same question: "Where am I?" I had no answer. Each chapter in my life had played itself out and had become part of my past, like the skin of a shedding snake.
In 1979, I invited my sister Dara to come stay with me in our guesthouse at Hancock Park whil we were rehearsing to go out on the road. One beautiful L.A. September afternoon not long after her arrival, Dara came into the garden and sat down next to me at the table. I had been sitting alone in my thoughts, sipping a cup of herbal tea. She said she had something she wanted to tell me. "Donna," she began, in a low and serious voice, "I've met a man and I've been praying with him. I think you should meet him. He's sweet and spiritual, and I think he can help you find the way out of your problems."
"My problems," I repeated slowly. So that was what Dara thought was bothering me! I shook my head and laughed out loud for a while. The last thing I thought I needed was a new friend. I felt like telling her that in that case she didn't know I already believed in God thank you very much! I had no particular inclination to meet anyone, especially someone who fancied himself some sort of guru.
I use to get letters from people all the time saying they were praying for me. These would always offend me. I'd feel as if they were condescending, that these people were trying to help me atone for something they felt I'd done, and yet they had never met me and knew very little about my real life. My point of veiw was so tilted that I was certain everyone was out to get something from me. Including my sister's friend.
Especially my sisters friend!
As I finished my tea, I told her that not only did I not want to meet this fellow, but I didn't even want him coming on my property to visit her. Of course, I didn't realize at the time that Dara could read me like a book and what she'd read had alarmed her. She was no someone who easily dispensed advice to others. What did she mean anyway?
I had a great career. I had all the money I'd ever need, a new, beautiful house,and, most important, a wonderfully cool and comfortable man in my life.
" I'm fine....Leave me alone, I'm fine." I said But was I?
The truth of course was that my demons had never really gone completely away. They were hiding in a closet in the back of my mind. Deep down inside I believed I was still ugly and awkward. Deep down inside I had not forgiven my past mistakes and was still ashamed for many things I had done. And,yes, she was right; I was in pain. I needed help.
I'd wake up in the morning and, while still in bed, throw my arms straight in the air and stay that way for no reason, sometimes for nearly an hour, as if I was trying to reach God. With my hands above my head I'd pray and ask him, Please God tell me what to do." This had been going on for weeks, even before my sister approached me about this man. Before getting ou of bed, I'd longingly wait to hear the voice of God whisper in my ear," I'm still here,Donna I'm still here," but for some reason I could not hear his voice.
I was breaking down from the inside. I'd developed stomach ulcers and could barely eat. I was maxed out on all my medications, and the sleeping pills weren't working. I stayed awake for days at a time. I lived in constant fear that my heart problems would resurface and throw me into a hospital or worse. I was starting to have lapses in memory and constant anxiety attacks. On top of it, my already overcrowded schedule was getting more and more insane. I had occasional thoughts of suicide again, even on the medication. Maybe that's what I couldn't hide from Dara? Weeks passed this way, and finally I felt I had absolutely nowhere else to turn. I went back to my sister. Out of desperation, which was barely covered by my unusually cocky manner, I said to her, "Okay. Where is this guy?! I want to meet him."
She invited him over the next day. My first impression was the complete opposite of what I had expected, which was some sort of fast talking, wild, religious weirdo. Instead, here was plainly dressed, very humble man in his thirties, almost my peer. After talking with him for a while, I thought to myself,"Look, Donna, I know you're having some problems, and I just want to tell you that no matter what has happened in your life, God will forgive you and God will help you. Let's pray." And I prayed what is called the "Sinners Prayer" with him. For whatever reason, I quickly surrendered to him, taken totally by surprise by his kind and gentle manner.
During our prayer a sense of elation came over me that was beyond any spiritual experience I had ever had before. I felt as if a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. This feeling blew into me like a hurricane, through my whole body, taking with it anything and everything that was troubling me. At that moment I felt all my priorities shift, the darkness disappear, and my entire being bathed in light.
I started repeating this one word, Abba, over and over again. I had no idea at the time that the word meant Father in Hebrew, and I had no idea why I was saying it, but it kept coming out of my mouth. I began to cry as I repeated it over and over again:" Abba, Abba, Abba...." Through a flurry of tears I could feel something shaking in my deepest being, and I was at once free. Abba, abba, abba. The light came shining into my spirit, and it was a familiar light, although one I hadn't seen for a long time. Abba, abba, abba...
That day in 1979, in my house in Hancock Park, was the day I was finally filled by God's Holy Spirit and gloriously born again.
The man explained to me, "Being born again means simply that; a person is first born of the body, from the womb of the mother. The second birth is to the birth of the Spirit of God." He continued, "It is the moment of one's infilling with the spirit. And once that happens, everything changes, because you now have God's spirit also within you for the rest of your life. To have God within you is to have faith in God. And, ultimately, to have faith in God is to have asked him into your life,to have faith in what he created you to be, and his ability to fulfill it."
Most people call upon God when they are having a personal crisis, when they have no where to turn, when they think they need spiritual recognition, or a special favor. What they don't realize is that making a personal commitment to him means you are always connected to God, and he is always there for you in your heart, in your soul,in your spirit, in your life. For many years I had carried a secret burden of things I had done that were moral lapses of behavior, with no way to cope with the shame. The bad feelings from my past carved themselves into my psyche. As a result I lived with this impending fear of doom, a fatalism that controlled my life until the day I accepted Jesus into it, and realized that since God was really the one I felt I had betrayed, he was the only one who could forgive me.
The day I had my conversion was the first day of the rest of my life. I knew I was forgiven and free. I knew at last that God had truly loved me. That day I had spoken his name and he had spoken mine. In an instant I was changed. Faith, I realized, was the key to my future. Without faith it is impossible to please God, and therefore to please yourself. From that day on I renewed my faith in God and was ready to deal with life from a new, more positive perspective. This choice changed everything for me. and for the first time in years, the troubled voices in my head were silent and the dark shadows over my heart disappeared.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Celebrity Testimony 2: Donna Summers
Ordinary Girl The Journey Chapter 12: The Connection
I had financially exceeded my childhood dreams. I had everything I needed except myself! I was what was missing in my life! I was stranded as an artist, isolated, emotionally and spiritually bereft, and prisoner to the most carnal of lifestyles.
The only thing I desired was to somehow find a way to reconnect with myself, to be able to reach back across the years to a time when it was only me getting on that stage and singing my heart out, when it was only about showing everyone I had a unique gift. I wanted to get back to that ordinary girl who'd sung that day in church. Where was she anyway? Perhaps this is a place all artist come to sooner or later.
The voice I kept hearing in my head was asking the same question: "Where am I?" I had no answer. Each chapter in my life had played itself out and had become part of my past, like the skin of a shedding snake.
In 1979, I invited my sister Dara to come stay with me in our guesthouse at Hancock Park whil we were rehearsing to go out on the road. One beautiful L.A. September afternoon not long after her arrival, Dara came into the garden and sat down next to me at the table. I had been sitting alone in my thoughts, sipping a cup of herbal tea. She said she had something she wanted to tell me. "Donna," she began, in a low and serious voice, "I've met a man and I've been praying with him. I think you should meet him. He's sweet and spiritual, and I think he can help you find the way out of your problems."
"My problems," I repeated slowly. So that was what Dara thought was bothering me! I shook my head and laughed out loud for a while. The last thing I thought I needed was a new friend. I felt like telling her that in that case she didn't know I already believed in God thank you very much! I had no particular inclination to meet anyone, especially someone who fancied himself some sort of guru.
I use to get letters from people all the time saying they were praying for me. These would always offend me. I'd feel as if they were condescending, that these people were trying to help me atone for something they felt I'd done, and yet they had never met me and knew very little about my real life. My point of veiw was so tilted that I was certain everyone was out to get something from me. Including my sister's friend.
Especially my sisters friend!
As I finished my tea, I told her that not only did I not want to meet this fellow, but I didn't even want him coming on my property to visit her. Of course, I didn't realize at the time that Dara could read me like a book and what she'd read had alarmed her. She was no someone who easily dispensed advice to others. What did she mean anyway?
I had a great career. I had all the money I'd ever need, a new, beautiful house,and, most important, a wonderfully cool and comfortable man in my life.
" I'm fine....Leave me alone, I'm fine." I said But was I?
The truth of course was that my demons had never really gone completely away. They were hiding in a closet in the back of my mind. Deep down inside I believed I was still ugly and awkward. Deep down inside I had not forgiven my past mistakes and was still ashamed for many things I had done. And,yes, she was right; I was in pain. I needed help.
I'd wake up in the morning and, while still in bed, throw my arms straight in the air and stay that way for no reason, sometimes for nearly an hour, as if I was trying to reach God. With my hands above my head I'd pray and ask him, Please God tell me what to do." This had been going on for weeks, even before my sister approached me about this man. Before getting ou of bed, I'd longingly wait to hear the voice of God whisper in my ear," I'm still here,Donna I'm still here," but for some reason I could not hear his voice.
I was breaking down from the inside. I'd developed stomach ulcers and could barely eat. I was maxed out on all my medications, and the sleeping pills weren't working. I stayed awake for days at a time. I lived in constant fear that my heart problems would resurface and throw me into a hospital or worse. I was starting to have lapses in memory and constant anxiety attacks. On top of it, my already overcrowded schedule was getting more and more insane. I had occasional thoughts of suicide again, even on the medication. Maybe that's what I couldn't hide from Dara? Weeks passed this way, and finally I felt I had absolutely nowhere else to turn. I went back to my sister. Out of desperation, which was barely covered by my unusually cocky manner, I said to her, "Okay. Where is this guy?! I want to meet him."
She invited him over the next day. My first impression was the complete opposite of what I had expected, which was some sort of fast talking, wild, religious weirdo. Instead, here was plainly dressed, very humble man in his thirties, almost my peer. After talking with him for a while, I thought to myself,"Look, Donna, I know you're having some problems, and I just want to tell you that no matter what has happened in your life, God will forgive you and God will help you. Let's pray." And I prayed what is called the "Sinners Prayer" with him. For whatever reason, I quickly surrendered to him, taken totally by surprise by his kind and gentle manner.
During our prayer a sense of elation came over me that was beyond any spiritual experience I had ever had before. I felt as if a ton of bricks were lifted off my shoulders. This feeling blew into me like a hurricane, through my whole body, taking with it anything and everything that was troubling me. At that moment I felt all my priorities shift, the darkness disappear, and my entire being bathed in light.
I started repeating this one word, Abba, over and over again. I had no idea at the time that the word meant Father in Hebrew, and I had no idea why I was saying it, but it kept coming out of my mouth. I began to cry as I repeated it over and over again:" Abba, Abba, Abba...." Through a flurry of tears I could feel something shaking in my deepest being, and I was at once free. Abba, abba, abba. The light came shining into my spirit, and it was a familiar light, although one I hadn't seen for a long time. Abba, abba, abba...
That day in 1979, in my house in Hancock Park, was the day I was finally filled by God's Holy Spirit and gloriously born again.
The man explained to me, "Being born again means simply that; a person is first born of the body, from the womb of the mother. The second birth is to the birth of the Spirit of God." He continued, "It is the moment of one's infilling with the spirit. And once that happens, everything changes, because you now have God's spirit also within you for the rest of your life. To have God within you is to have faith in God. And, ultimately, to have faith in God is to have asked him into your life,to have faith in what he created you to be, and his ability to fulfill it."
Most people call upon God when they are having a personal crisis, when they have no where to turn, when they think they need spiritual recognition, or a special favor. What they don't realize is that making a personal commitment to him means you are always connected to God, and he is always there for you in your heart, in your soul,in your spirit, in your life. For many years I had carried a secret burden of things I had done that were moral lapses of behavior, with no way to cope with the shame. The bad feelings from my past carved themselves into my psyche. As a result I lived with this impending fear of doom, a fatalism that controlled my life until the day I accepted Jesus into it, and realized that since God was really the one I felt I had betrayed, he was the only one who could forgive me.
The day I had my conversion was the first day of the rest of my life. I knew I was forgiven and free. I knew at last that God had truly loved me. That day I had spoken his name and he had spoken mine. In an instant I was changed. Faith, I realized, was the key to my future. Without faith it is impossible to please God, and therefore to please yourself. From that day on I renewed my faith in God and was ready to deal with life from a new, more positive perspective. This choice changed everything for me. and for the first time in years, the troubled voices in my head were silent and the dark shadows over my heart disappeared.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment